(This was originally a facebook comment to Nenny, however, I believe it is something worth keeping.)
Dear Laura of the Future,
It is almost two and you should really be going to bed, but before any of that we need to have a serious talk. The beginning of the rest of your life is close, well, actually you missed it by seventeen years but that's "OKAY". Just know, for you - my future self, that if the choices are made and the choices fail miserably you will have at least learned something that you never would have otherwise. So, if you are the crazy artsy shy yet wild semi-vegan you want to be as of right now - I am proud. If you are nothing of the sort yet had every intention of being- I am proud. If you did not try and are not - well, we will never know. If you turned the other way because of what others say - YOU will be disappointed. So dear future me I write, I promise to not burn any bridges in case you decide other wise about being a vegan, or insane, or anything you are now, or anything you want to be. I will try my damnedest to make it that all you ever want to be you can be. But this, future me, is something I really feel I have to do..
Love,
That naive person you once were.
-gool.
Dear Laura of the Future,
What I brought back with me:
Well, I have either started making better decisions or my skill of hiding my poor ones have drastically improved. This is the first year I was actually able to go on somebody else's family vacation with them, yes, that means not "falling in love" with their older siblings the week before or making various other less then reasonable choices. I was happy I was able to go - I brought a lot back with me.
People do move on after you leave:
Whether it is you just going away on vacation, moving to some far off land, or even death - people tend to, over time, forget about your existence. Your most prominent texting buddy starts sending messages less and less - of course so do you. I, for one, love this. To come back and meet people again for the very first time, despite going to school with them for four years. And that my dear, is not something you can just wake up one morning and do (you have to be gone for sometime in between. (which raises my question, "what about the people who are mentally 'checked out'?" Will they too get to meet everyone for the first time again when they check back in, or do the people they see everyday make a new first impression constantly?))
I almost started a second header named: 'Once a relationship is started it is not as easy to change.' But that would be the very same thing as this, now wouldn't it? So I won't, they all do tie into each other in the end, any-who.
Over time no matter how 'ordinary' something gets, at one point it completely blew your mind.
(this all reminds me of Robert Forst's, 'Nothing Gold Can Stay.' Look it up)
We were simply driving over a river and located right there in the middle there was a little island. We all looked at it in amazement, as if water by land by even more water was some ground breaking concept. However, on the ride home it was none too important. Watching it pass the 2nd time I am sure will be like watching it pass for the 86th time, unless some magic is restored in mankind. Sure, I smiled when we passed. All things fade. Thoughts, feelings, even people. We all fade - and it's scary. To be frank (or even Polly), it is fucking terrifying. But I love it! In the end, we are all ordinary people. No one can hold on to those 'extraordinary moments' - we can only hold to feel them to their fullness, and that is what I hope to do!
So, Life, blow my mind!
Like caregiver like child:
You could be sitting next to them in a crowded restaurant or they could even live next door, but more then likely the closest one you know is you yourself. Children truly are the molds of their parents. I hate to say that, mostly because I hate to admit it, but it is in fact true. They are the ones who not only teach us to think but how to think and I am sure many would argue they also teach us what to think as well, and I am sure that many would be right (in many cases). Genetics, sure. That one is a given. But what about there response to certain people or certain situations? Perhaps there is more genetics at play then once thought - or perhaps there is some deep level of psychology that I have yet to fully discover. I hope that is the case - I really want to find out why. It was strange watching the two of them. They are so much a like. For personal reasons I won't go into it here, but if I had half a mind I would. (Not for some 'revenge type' reason rather I tend to forget a lot anymore. But - hey, there is no use holding on to anything that didn't make a completely remember-able impact, now is there?)
After years of living with someone, older people tend to look like their lovers due to subconsciously mimicking their expressions and habits. Often times it is the same with people and animals. I realize that this is the case here - but I still hope it could be something much more.
No matter where you go you will always find something that reminds you of the person you are trying so hard to forget.
It could be a Ted Nugent song that you hated the first time it was played (R) or the people in the booth behind you saying something that you once said to someone else (J). In the end, the people you want to be thinking about the least are the once you end up thinking about most often. Maybe if one stops trying to forget about them they will be more successful in their attempt.
*note to self:LISTEN TO OWN ADVISE*
Sometimes when people go away they are not really gone. They kind of linger there.
On the turnpike there was this boy on a missing poster. He has disappeared in the late '80s, but before I even comprehended what I was looking at I felt as if he was familiar. Looking at the photo, I knew so much about him. Not posting his name will be the best, I don't want to give his family false hope if they were ever to see this. I would give anything to give them the closer or the answers that I am sure they so desperately need - however, I am not able to do so. He is still out there - be it living or not. He is lingering and that much I know for certain I feel.
-gool.
I promise..
(This was the one thing that inspired me to move on from (R). I made myself promises for the first time in my lifetime that I actually wanted to keep. It was all originally posted on facebook on May 29, 2011 but the list is one that is continuous.)
Maybe just telling yourself you are going to do something isn't enough. Maybe sometimes you just have to promise!
1.I promise to let the memories be just that.
2.I promise to give myself what I truly deserve.
3.I promise to let go when it is time.
4.I promise to never 'compromise' myself to be one of 'them.'
5.I promise to listen to myself, even when there are no words.
6.I promise to never have a casual lover.
7.I promise to never be apart of a meaningless affair.
8.I promise to never use sex as a weapon, especially against myself.
9.I promise to never miss a chance to explore.
10.I promise to always see the world for what it can be.
11.I promise to pay no mind to those with no mind.
12.I promise to keep the contrast balanced.
13.I promise to keep the name of love sacred.
14.I promise to do more with my dreams then keep them in my head.
15.I promise that being blind has nothing to do with seeing.
16.I promise to try to listen rather then waiting for a chance to speak.
17.I promise to make this a life I am proud to live.
18.I promise to always stand up for the little guy and understand the big one.
19.I promise that some sort of forever does exist.
20.I promise to make sure you wake up when I do.
21.I promise to be strong enough to be the person myself needs me to be.
22.I promise to always dance with myself over the wrong person.
23.I promise to snap for myself - because clapping is too overrated.
24.I promise to seek endless opportunity.
25.I promise to constantly surround myself with people who I admire.
26.I promise that I will never forget my definition of the word 'forgive'.
27.I promise to let all in life inspire me.
28.I promise to remember to thank the little guy.
29.I promise to sing to the songs with no lyrics.
30.I promise to...
-gool.
The beginning of the beginning of the end of my world
Maybe I have nothing to say, or maybe I just have nothing worth saying. May I add, that this has never stopped me from posting it online in the past so nor will it now. This collection of thoughts is for me to one day look back on and think that the 'crazy' then is none to the 'crazy' now. Hopefully it is not the other way around.
I, here in this moment, have not a damn clue about anything in regards to my own life. That is unless that knowing the complete lyrics to most radiohead songs and my finger nails do not look good painted is all much more important then appears. Maybe I am just an odd sorry excuse for a stripling that only knows how to color outside of the lines. But maybe that is all anyone needs to be.
One day, I will think of all the strange yet inspiring things that I have done in these days right here and when that day comes I want to be able to remember why the hell I did these things. The 'whys' have always been the most important to me and I hope they always will be.
-gool.